Some Initial Tools for Those Who are Having Difficulty with their Physician-Trying to Work it Out

Okay, let's assume for a moment-or if in fact, you believe you may have some connection issues with a physician, and wish to work it out, and to do so, tools are helpful.

Just as medicines, in my view, are merely tools in which to help one feel well enough to accomplish a task.  For some, it's being able to work, run a business, or for someone like myself, being able to wash my own hair with no help-not being able to raise my hands over my head-kind of funny, but in a sad way, not particularly.

But some people-in a "human" state, guys-the docs are human too-and are going to make mistakes.  As I guess a case of walking medical malpractice-for a few years, sure.  Now, I think going to a teaching hospital for some, like myself-as RSD not being the only diagnosis I have, I returned to the teaching hospital where I was born, it oddly turns out, as I feel like Texas being my home, a move at this point isn't fiscally possible, and takes me thousands of miles from the ones I love.

I also and out of character, allowed the vulnerability to be visible, and well-very obvious to a smart woman doc, a 2nd year resident, and well, that can be wise-as she is well supervised, but she also had been aware and very much cognizant of what RSD is, and that's the first since returning to the area I now live in.

Finding some factual information about them on a personal level-it shows they are human-and knowledge of what the doctor is interested in professionally, how the subscribe to some work ethic is usually there, a facy photo in all likelihood-will tell you a little bit about them.

Having a doctor who is "just like a good friend" is inapproprite, ill-advised, and un-wise.  Having had a physician cross the line and attempt a friendship-kind of relationship-his behavior was unprofessional to say the least.  But it does happen.  And he now has been reported to this state-as well as the one he also returned to in order to work a hospital job "to pay my student loans" after being given a song and dance about "falling standards" the things I learned in the ensuing months it was a path of self-destruction on his own part, one he desperately tried to cover up-and well, it shows that they also can be well, sick, I guess is a good way to put it.  So understanding even a well-regarded, well-educated doctor can screw up.

And a neurologist can also be unaware of what RSD is as well, so when brought to that, I can also advise using some of the skills listed below.

It's called "Sixteen Rules to Conflict Resolution." but I am going to also add my own comments in red to bring it to a more applicable level, to the doctor/nurse patient relationship.  And that is what it's supposed to be.  Not a friendship.

But anyhow, of note the link posted, since those designing this deserve the due credit.  And anyhow, it can also be re-applied to some level of personal relationships-

16 Rules for Conflict Resolution (Fighting Fair)
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Negotiate from the Adult position.
Childish behavior is of no position in any relationship that is with a professional healthcare provider.  By that, I refer to the following:

• swearing-if accidental, self-correct as quickly as possible, and even if you cannot stand them by this point?  It's advisable to apologize for a slip on language-as for me, I say a prayer and ask for forgiveness, and if need be, from anyone offended by that.  As for myself, life takes me down a winding journey-and around a group of friends locally, I know a couple people who work in law enforcement, one of my parents served in the military-and some find that language used can be a bit strong--but for me, the worst of what I heard came from working in the Emergency Room, and oddly, nursing homes--sometimes, with some, even the elderly who can be affected by a stroke and left only able to say a few words, and sometimes what you hear would be extremely offensive.
• Words are tools too.  Use carefully chosen ones, especially if the physician comes up and says, "Well, perhaps we are not the right doctor(s) and patient team-" or something along those lines.  
• And sometimes, admitting your own vulnerability can also be an advantage.  Being "human" I guess I find it not such a bad thing.  Allowing a degree of it, when visiting the teaching hospital I now get my own care at, I did just that, and the doctor listened quietly, as some of what I had to say is very disturbing information to absorb for anyone, I did end the appointment on a lighter note-and in kind, she responded by agreeing that the record-getting would be kept to a minimum.  To keep clean what ought to be, nothing I am uncomfortable with-in terms of records, will be entered into my file, unless I agree to it after reading first.  It was her way of establishing trust.  
• If it ever becomes a trust issue?  I'd begin searching out other options.  For example, the degree of debilitation from the RSD as the progression sped it up after the 3 years of past since that surgery I guess I wish I had not pursued.  Given that there was only 2 qualified doctors to do it, it should have been a clue.  But admitting mistakes can also be a generally good idea.  But sometimes, when we make them, there's consequences, and I guess that's generally a good thing. 

Avoid ultimatums.

• Personally, I find them patronizing and well, they remind me of people I'd prefer not to be around, but sometimes one does have to make their wishes known?  But boundaries from the beginning are generally a great idea.  And on both parts.
• Finding a middle ground to which you can meet on can help.

On a personal note, I got a letter that was "I hereby direct you to...." from a doctor once, and I remember thinking: "I am not in first grade, buddy, care to speak to me like an adult and well-I was a bit angry about it, but realized well, it's one way to make your wishes known.  I would have preferred they speak to me and say "Could you please not/or do ____________?" would have been favored on my part.

In nursing school, we were taught a theory course and a clinical training in the varying major specialty areas, and "medical-surgical nursing" was the notoriously big and difficult course.  Pain, cardiac, kidney, etc, was gone over in theory, and we were rotated through the major areas of the hospital. And learned tremendously from them.  What we learned and the school emphasized, was a non-paternalistic approach.

In teaching the patient about their diagnosis, treatment, and then follow-up, to not paternalize meant that "Don't assume that they don't know," but approach on an age-and equal level of intelligence-and talking to people as if they are in grade school, and well, the doctor sending the letter with was was basically an ultimatum if you choose to see it that way-what it was over?  So stupid that I was surprised they used the postage.  What I did not know?  In all likelihood, I was being labeled a "difficult patient" and the chances in all likelihood?  Was because some serious mistakes, very poor care had been provided, and multiple times, i attempted to repair the damaged relationship with the medical group from a larger area hospital, it was a series of bad experiences, but largely due to their own lack of knowledge on RSD, and that when mistakes are made, and the hospital and other docs involved in your care spot any legal history, or that they potentially may be held liable?

Don't expect much.
If one loses, both lose.  Enough said.

Say what you really mean (not generalities)!

Avoid accusations and attacks.
It is a surefire way to end the relationship.  If you feel that you must confront them on an issue, then perhaps it's a good idea to go over, but it gets more complex than that-so it will be covered later.  I may not be an expert-but some bad experiences, I am choosing to see as learning experiences.

I pray they help others.

State your wishes and requests clearly and directly.

Never use sex to smooth over a disagreement.  Okay-save that for the marriage, in my own opinion.

Repeat the message you think you received.

This shows you are listening.

Refuse to fight dirty (name-calling, threatening, etc.).

Resist giving the silent treatment.
Ill-advised, should you need something.

Focus on the issue and focus on the present.
Be cognizant that when in a busy medical office, they are not going to have the time unfortunately to resolve whatever conflict in one setting, or even one sit-down discussion.  The patient loads are in the rise, and it truly is something that is, as one friend puts it, in regards to getting "stuck on what was, or what might be" (past or future), he put it in a pretty comical way: "You have one foot in yesterday, one in tomorrow, and you are (sic) pissing on today."  A direct quote, a bit gross, but in some way I pretty much agree.

Focusing on what was.  Or contemplating tomorrow?  Worrying?  And doing so at 2am?  Why lose sleep?  I get cranky without it...
Call " Time out " and " foul "

If need be, take a break if you can, wait, and go back when the dust settles.

Use humor and comic relief.

One of my favorites!  When I chose a PCP at the University Hospital, it was positive to allow the vulnerability-not for sympathy, but more that I had a lot of information to get out, and a short time to do it-but she did have well, a good amount of poise-and that helps (and is also why when docs get to a level of boundary violations-and I do plan to cover more at another time, as some research on my part and note-taking.  But at the end of my appointment, I was more relaxed.

Her also showing an interest and also simply listening with no judgements?

Smartest thing she did.  And composed her note with asking my input?  Never happened before.

Always go for closure.
It's normal to have to move on at times.

Adding the one of my own since I believe this is how people feel when it happens, reserve judgement, and preferrably for God, in my life, but what I mean is, "incompetant doctor" or "obnoxious a**, S***head?  Well, it's one way to self-destruct a relationship.  And things that may be a bit childish to mention?  If it progresses to a shouting match, and think I haven't seen that turn out bad for some?

Sometimes-also-making a simple apology can repair a lot of damage.